Monkey Wrangling, Continued

I'm seriously working on the whole brevity thing, so I'm trying my absolute best here to keep it all short.


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Last weekend, I walked my sons to the schoolground immediately adjacent to our next-door-neighbor, where we were to meet a classmate and his mother. After a few hours of hardcore first-grader rough-and-tumble BOY action, all of us were wiped and it was time to go home. Mr. Cakes had joined us by then, and so he elected to accompany the boys on the walk home, while I stayed behind to ratchet-jaw with my friend for just a few more minutes.

My friend's son, who is also highly gifted and the same age as my elder boy, noticed my two boys, hand-in-hand, headed toward our street, and so inquired as to where they were going. He was terribly concerned, having not seen their father, who was only a couple paces behind them, and so asked if I thought they'd be ok. It bears mentioning at this point that we live in Baton Rouge, LA.

Said I, "They're fine, hon. Mr. Cakes is with them, and even if he weren't, I am positive that the Elder Cakes would have no problem getting them to our house, since we're just right there."

Said he, "Are you really sure, Ms. Cakes? Because, if they just go walking like that, they could end up in Illinois or something."

I hope he didn't say that on account of his knowing something I don't.

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Monkey-to-English Dictionary

Hock (adj): Of sufficiently high temperature to cause at least the sensation of being burned, if not actual damage to the skin.

Spap (v): To strike a person or thing, but only in pre-emptive or reactionary fashion. I.E. "I had to spap that bug, because it was going to bite me!" Also, "Mom, Brother said something ugly to me. You need to spap him!" [NOTE: We are often asked to do this. We decline.]

Spapper (n): Any object employed for the express purpose of spapping.

Screwdriver store (n): A retail outlet wherein a screwdriver purchase is made. [Etymology: Early Cakesian, originally referred to either of the two better-known hardware/home repair mega-outlets with logo colors of blue/white and construction orange, then gradually evolving to become the outlet wherein a screwdriver IS purchased.] See also: balloon store, milk store, popsicle store. (NOTE that in order to meet the definition, the item in question must actually be purchased, not just available, at a given retail establishment.)

Fluid (n): One of any influenza viruses. (Eg. ACHOO! I think I have a fluid.)

Dinner store (n): a restaurant

Dinnering (v): eating a meal at a dinner store. EG. Let's go dinnering.

mcdonald's (n): 1.Any dinner store that has a drive-thru window. 2. A fast-food establishment. [Unlike the worldwide franchise with a very similar name, this word is not a proper noun, and must always be preceded by a descriptive that is. EG. Wendy's mcdonald's, Chick-Fil-A McDonald's, Jack-In-The-Box mcdonald's, and Lowe's mcdonald's (because there is a Subway mcdonald's inside the Lowe's, which, alone, would be properly referred to as a "screwdriver store.")]

dark blue (adj): Descriptive phrase indicating that a given mcdonald's has an indoor playground. [Etymology is uncertain, but probably derives from Early Cakesian, Fist Progeny, when he observed that the McDonald's Playland nearest our home incorporated in its color scheme large amounts of dark blue.]

Doodah [DOOdah] (n): any of several varieties of large bead/shape sorting toddler toys, usually consisting of brightly-colored large wooden or plastic beads, running on various intertwined metal or plastic tracks that are permanently affixed to a solid wood or plastic base, and often found in the play areas of doctors' and dentists' offices.

Leaking (v): a state of imperfection and/or general disarray as applied to small children's clothing. EG. "My sock is leaking," if the sock has worked its way loose so as to no longer snugly envelope the toes. Also, "My shirt is leaking," if shirt tails have become partially untucked.

Payforits (n): a staffed, open cash-register. EG. Mommy, are we done getting groceries, or do we still have to go to the payforits? [Etymology: Early Cakesian, first monkey, from "Pay for it."]

Fickits (v): the magical power(s) possessed by our children's father, which gives him the ability to repair any item, regardless of size, construction, or severity of break/tear/breach. (EG: Mom, I accidentally dropped your priceless family heirloom and it shattered into a million pieces, but it's ok, because Dada fickits.)

Dirty Jobs Channel (n): any cable channel that is currently running an episode of "Dirty Jobs."

The Silly Show Where the People Fall in the Mud When They Miss (proper noun): MXC on the Spike channel.

Ap : 1. (n)An interjection expressing disapproval, uttered by parent or other authority figure, to a monkey (EG: Hey Younger Cakes, you aren't to do that! AAAAAAAAAAAP!) 2. (v)The act of uttering as described in 1. above (EG: If you continue knocking things off the table, I'm going to Ap you!) [Both 1 and 2 generally result in crying and instant apologies from the Ap-ed three-year-old.]

Hannuka (n, adj): 1. (n) Synagogue, regardless of time of year or holiday being celebrated (EG: Mommy, I want to go to Hannukah today.) 2. (adj) Describing any item or custom used or observed in the context of Jewish Life (EG: Hey, where's my new Hannukah Hat [yarmulke/kippah]? My mommy's Hannukah scarf [tallit] is white and silver, just like my Hannukah Hat.) [Etymology: Derives from the earliest speech of Younger Cakes, who first recognized and was able to put into words the recognition of exclusively Jewish things and observances at the time of Hannukah. Since then, despite being reminded on no less than a hundred occasions, he refuses to use the "proper" terms for the items/customs, and instead goes with his own. Go figure!]

I'll add more later. Have a pleasant night.