Gentleness in All Things, or Utopia in 7 Pretty Tough Steps

Recently, I was asked by a friend to provide feedback about her behavior toward her spouse. Frankly, I was loathe to do so, because what she does to her partner is nothing short of repeated and prolonged verbal and emotional abuse. Its nauseating to witness, and it's even worse because her partner is apparently so desperate to just have someone love her, that she'll tolerate it, indefinitely as far as I can tell.

It's so funny to me that people ask me these things, as if I'm some expert. I guess I'm at least unusual, because I am currently enjoying the eighth year of marriage to my own personal Knight in Shining Armor, after having been hitched to whatever the opposite of that would be for a full seven years. I call that period of silliness, the seven-year thing, "Husband v1.o." The newer version is FAR superior in every way to the old one! So much so that I can not conceieve of needing to upgrade ever again. In fact, upgrades are built in with him, and I suppose with us both! It's called, "GROWTH." But that's another entry altogether!

I do not regret my first marriage, despite its inherent flaws and failings, and the almost imediately undeniable reality that the two of us were NOT compatible. Actually, I feel fortunate to have had a kind of marital practice run. When the time came for us to go our separate ways, we had no children, no community property... it was as clean so filthy a thing as divorce could possibly have been. That's not to say there weren't fights over a bread machine (he didn't have a clue how to use the damned thing, and no, I'm afraid I'm NOT kidding!), or that we somehow managed to suddenly be civil with each other and part company amicably- we didn't.

What we did, and I am ashamed to say I played at least a 50% part in this, was conduct ourselves with sarcasm and venom and vindictiveness, just as we had the entire time. Threats were made, horrible things flew from our lips. It was gruesome.

I can't even imagine how people get through divorces involving children, beloved pets, or homes. In my estimation, that whole process must be the hardest there is in human existence, second only to losing a child.

So, through the years, what I have discovered are some pretty basic truths. In fact, my current (and FINAL) husband and I did not say vows to each other. Instead, we agreed upon some foundational rules long before lifelong commitment entered our minds as a possibility and those served us so well that we decided to just keep them when the time came to make our union one that the government recognized.

I'm sure the PC Police will be called as soon as I hit the "Publish Post" button on this one, because I have a VERY broad generalization to propose as the closest thing to a "cure" for the diseased state of the institution of Marriage in this country as has ever been suggested. Basically, FOLLOW THE RULES!

Here are those rules:

1. I will endeavor always to never intentionally cause you pain or discomfort of any kind, because I love you, and love does not include malice.
2. Should I inadvertently cause you pain, which I will know when you inform me of such, I will apologize immediately, sincerely. My pat analogy for this one, which I use with my children, is that when someone steps on your toe, knowing they didn't do it intentionally doesn't do a thing to relieve the pain. Whether or not they did it on purpose, they still owe you an apology.
3. If ever I'm not sure what you need in a particular situation, I will give to you everything I can imagine that I would want, were I in your shoes. If that doesn't work for you exactly, you'll know it was a mistake borne of love for you and my sincere wish to help lighten your burdens whenever possible. You will, of course, let me know as soon as you can, how I might better have addressed your needs, and afterward I will do so as you specify to the best of my ability.
4. We will present to our children, and to the world around us, as a United Front, indivisible. On the occasions when we disagree in matters of parenting or other relationship topics, we'll go with whomever's approach seems least likely to cause harm to the other people involved, and we'll regroup and discuss in detail as soon as we can do so without conveying a break in our Unity to anyone outside of our marriage. This Unity is what keeps us strong, and to behave in a way that tells others it's not maximally fortified leaves us vulnerable to being played against each other.
5. Because I love you, because I chose you, I honor you by placing you at the top of my priority list. Sometimes, this will mean that your progeny are fed or medicated or nurtured first, which you will understand because children don't have the ability or strength yet to delay these things. Together, we'll teach our children to become strong, responsible, empathetic, compassionate human beings who will love to the fullest extent achievable by a human being.
6. I believe you. I believe in you. I trust you to be frank and forthcoming with me in all things, so that I may be best prepared to perform the functions of helpmeet, soulmate, wife, caregiver, nurturer, and lover.
7. I accept the same from you because I know you love me. I know this because of what you do, not what you say. Love, as we agree on it in this marriage, is defined not by our sentiments and not by our words, but by our actions.
   9:59 PM